Victory!

Again, sorry for the lack of posts, no excuse really, just not a whole lot to say lol...

Ok, was at the docs this morning, BP was PERFECT, and the weight was 285, down about 4-5 lbs from two weeks ago, which is a goodish pace. The BIG news, I am clear for the gym. Will be getting that set up ASAP.

I am pretty excited about the prospect of getting back in there.

I promise once I am in there the posts will become much more frequent.

Well, outta here.... remember folks... VOTE!!!

Wow, been a while...

Has it really been 4 days?? I'm sorry for that!!

Just a quickie though for now, been very busy...

Cracked the 290 mark, 289 last night... nice...

Blood pressure has been perfect.... even nicer....

Back with more in a bit...

A note before proceeding

The post directly under this one is a little harsh.

Before you proceed a couple of things.

I know that there are underlying issues with some people, either from a medical or psychological standpoint that makes the change from obesity difficult or for some, even impossible. Please realize that I am NOT talking about them. I am talking about people like me who are obese for no other reason than a total disregard for health and wellness.

Thanks!!

Kicking back!

Well I feel GREAT!!!

No really, I do... the dizziness and fatigue of yesterday is a thing of, well, yesterday. I woke up this morning feeling awesome, no aches, no pains just awake and rearing to go. It makes me wonder about before you know. I used to wake up achy, not really rested, I just wrote it all off as being overweight and out of shape and of course, the ol' catch all of being older. Now though, I have to wonder, how much of it was blood pressure related?

117/78 this morning by the way.... YAY!

I am just hoping and praying that this keeps up and please god I will be allowed to do more than just walk within two weeks. I am SOOOOOOOO ready for the gym, SOOOOOO ready to spend a week or more in absolute agony while my body adjusts to doing things it hasn't been doing in a long long time. SOOOOOOOOOOO ready to see the flab turn back to muscle and just feel good about myself.

Speaking of that. I have been thinking a little lately about body image and our perception of ourselves in our own skin. You often hear that women are bombarded by skinny women everywhere they turn, and that it helps reinforce what for many is an unrealistic body type. That's so true, and I am not for one moment trying to lessen that impact. I have also often heard that men aren't effected by this. Well, this man surely is. I have heard it said that men don't care, that they can let it all hang out so to speak and it's really matters not a lick to them. Well, to this man, it surely does. I mean, great if you have that kind of spirit that allows you to not care. Perhaps that is the truly noble way to be, perhaps to be otherwise is a weakness? So be it, truth told, I would be mortified to go swimming at a public pool, I would actually wear a t-shirt all the time if I were on a vacation to the south, I don't even really like my wife seeing me totally nekkid, and that's just wrong. However, when we watch TV we see trim and fit men everywhere, you don't see any Gillette commercials where a guy is stood in front of the mirror with his chest hair all matted from the shower and his beer belly hanging out over the top of his towel, you don't see any beer commercials where the guy is wheezing and huffing his way out of the beer store to squeeze behind the wheel of his 1996 Hyundai... nope, more often then not, its a guy with perfect teeth, hair, pecs and a 6 pack. That's the way it is, and that's the way it will stay, cause hey, selling the image works!

So, rather than try and change the psyche, I will change to body. I will never be the guy in the Gillette commercial, but I will be as comfortable as that guy.

Been talking to a few people over the past weeks. Many of them like me are morbidly obese like me... for the matter of clarification, here's a reference to what makes you morbidly obese...

* Underweight = <18.5
* Normal weight = 18.5-24.9
* Overweight = 25-29.9
* Obesity = BMI of 30 or greater
* Any BMI > 40 is severe obesity
* A BMI of 40.0–49.9 is morbid obesity
* A BMI of >50 is super obese

... my BMI currently is 41.7, which makes me morbidly obese. There are a ton of BMI calculators out there, give it whirl, you might be surprised. Oh, before I continue on my current train of thought, here's a little aside. For those of you out there right now, and you know you are doing it, that are looking at this and saying something like, well, I'm bigged boned, they don't take that into account, yada yada...well... they do.... thats why there is a 10 point range, and with the exception of...

* highly muscular adults;
* adults who have a very lean body build;
* young adults who have not reached full growth; and
* adults over 65 years of age.

... it's a perfectly reliable and accurate tool, so get over it, if it says you are morbidly obese then you are morbidly obese, get off your fat ass, stop justifying and making excuses and do something about it rather than fret about the number. Anyhoo... back to our regular programming.

Anyway, I have been asked, what does it take to lose the weight. The answer folks is surprisingly simple. Eat less calories than you burn in a run of a day. Wow, earth shattering huh?? Seriously though, that's it, that's all there is to it. Now, there are extremes and degrees to how you do this. For me it's meant cutting out all takeout, it's meant not frying anything, it's meant portion control and it's meant eating stuff that is a near to its natural state as it can be. In other words, no frozen dinners, no canned foods, nothing pre-packaged or processed in anyway when and where possible. It's also meant drinking about 4-5 liters of water a day and walking everyday. For someone else it could just mean cutting out deserts, or drinking less alcohol. Really everyone is different and what works for one might or might not work for another.

The thing is. If you are like me, and are morbidly obese, then just cutting back a little may not cut it. I will go so far as to say, in my opinion, minor tweeks are a cop-out and the tendancy to slide or slip is far far worse if you are not ready to make a 100% commitment. If you are continuing to drink something, or eat something, even in smaller quanities when you KNOW it's going to put weight on you, or isn't the best choice for the goals you have set, if you are doing that based on some thought that you like it too much to give it up entirly, then you are weak and you aren't ready to make the changes you really need to to become healthy and correct your weight. This isn't a kinda sorta thing, it's deadly serious, and it may not be today, it may not be tomorrow, but your weight will kill you, it will kill you as surely as a bullet to the brain, just not as fast. You will get diabetes, you will get high blood pressure, you will develope back problems, you will develop mobility issues, you will be prone to infection... you will DIE, the food you are eating will kill you. This is NOT melodrama, this is NOT being too serious. If your health, your life and your happiness isn't more meaningful to you then a bottle of beer or a cheeseburger, then please, have at it, but if you want to live a full life where you aren't concerned about the possibility of not being able to fit into a seat, or if you can climb that hill to enjoy the view, or if this is the day that the clothes you have been wearing no longer fits, then change, change everything that got you here and change it now. It can be done and if you want it, NEED it, then you can do it 100%.

Rant over... back to work...lol....

Meds kicking my ass

Well, the new BP meds are taking a toll. I am sooooooo lethargic and sleepy. I have had some dizzy spells as well. It's to be expected, the side effects pretty much read as I have been having them, without the nausea thanks be to god.

BP was actually low this morning, 111/84. I am guessing that my body needs to reach some sort of equilibrium over the next few days.

Haven't walked in the last two days, just too damn dizzy and lethargic to do it, likely not that safe to be on the road like this.

Well, that's about it for now....

Foiled again.....

Just back from the Doc's....

Well, another medication on top of my current one. The BP has greatly improved, but he was still a little concerned about my diastolic number. Its peaked a couple of times over 110 in the past week and we really need to get that number down as well. he was very happy with my systolic pressure, it's pretty much right where we need it to be. So, it a ACE inhibitor for me for the next month at least. End result? No gym... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.... getting very very frustrated about that actually, I'm not going to lie. Oh well, again folks, keep your fingers crossed for the next visit in 2 weeks. He said that if everything is in line then, well, he wouldn't commit, but he said it would be very likely. I need to get in there...

Sorry no Monday Mass Day yesterday, the day came and went without me even thinking of it..lol... I am down to 289 on the Docs scales though. More like 291 on my scales. I am sure that the Doc's is more accurate, but since my scales are the ones I started on, they are the ones I will continue to use as my guide.

So here's the current tally...

August 25th Start weight ??? - we figure anywhere from 310-320
Sept 8th - 301 lbs
Sept 15th - 297 lbs
Sept 22nd - 296 lbs
Sept 30th - 291 lbs - change of -5 lbs, 90 to goal

Total loss - 310-320 - 291 = 19-29 lbs

Not bad, not bad at all...

Here's a record of my Blood Pressure following the D-day reading of 210/111

Sept 24th -
10:20 am - 120/94
3:05 pm - 119/100
9:45 pm - 128/101

Sept 25th -
9:40 am - 130/102
11:18 pm - 128/84

Sept 26th -
9:30 am - 127/84
2:30 pm - 132/91
9:30 pm - 122/89

Sept 27th
10:00 am - 126/86
3:30 pm - 132/90
1:30 am - 129/101

Sept 28th
10:00 am 132/100
4:00 pm 129/97
11:00 pm - 135/101

Sept 29th
9:30 am - 123/91
11:45 pm - 126/94

As you can see, it is dropping and leveling out. Though there are some flucuations in there. It's interesting to me to note that my BP seems to be higher on the weekends. lol... Gabe .... that's all I am saying is Gabe...

Sorry for the ABSOLUTE lack of pictures, there is NO excuse. I will endeavor to get some posted very very soon.

That's about it for now, back to the grind with me!

Sunday and beautiful

Sorry for the lack of posts the last couple of days, been crazy busy with the kiddos and a wedding yesterday.

Just a quickie today, going to be going out exploring with the family in a bit. Just wanted to say that my BP still seems to be ok, meals are good, though I ate stuff not on my menu at the wedding last night, portions were small so it should be ok. I'm just calling it a free day anyway, just a very controlled free day... no booze, no sugars, just a bunch of meatballs and pasta lol...

I'll be back later with a little more!

Well well....

So, curiosity they say killed the cat, I also adhere the second part of that timeless saying, satisfaction brought him back. I say hey, whats the point of having nine lives if you can't burn through 2-3 of them getting answers?? Hmmm?

In this case, the question was, have I lost weight, cause I sure as hell FEEL like I've lost more. Easily answered, a jump on the scales. Out of character for me, I'm pretty much a once a week kinda guy, but flexibility is my middle name. Actually, Raymond is my middle name but meh, whatcha gonna do?

I digress...

SO, on the scales and badda-bing badda-BOOM, 291 lbs... 291!!!

I really thought LONG gone was my days about getting excited about being over 290 lbs but man o man I am PSYCHED!!!!

It's working, the plan is working, and all this without a day in the gym yet... oh I can feel it, I said I can feel it... can I get me a hallelujah??? I said can I get me a hallelujah??? AMEN Brothers and sisters, aaaaaaaaamen!

In addition to that, I visited my tickle trunk, hey, good enough for Mr. Dressup, good enough for me, and started going through the layers of cloths that have fallen to the side and was hurried away out of sight. Happy to report that I am now in the top strata and fitting into things I couldn't a month ago. Excited to keep mining through the layers as the weight drops, who knows what goodies I might find!

Pics tonight, I promise, would have been sooner but the batteries were dead... damn power sources!!!

YAY progress!!!

In the news today lol

A quickie to update yesterdays BP readings...

10:30 am Sept 24th - 120/94
3:05 pm Sept 24th - 119/100
9:45 pm Sept 24th - 128/101

Much better, though I do have a high diastolic number....

Progress.... progress is good!

Good news...

Took my BP this morning and surprise surprise, it was a much healthier 120/94. Looks like the pills are going to do the job, at least, the early optimistic prognosis is that!

I need to have the BP under control for 2 weeks before I am allowed in the gym. So lets hope that I can do that!

The deal

OK...

Went to the Doc's this morning as I mentioned. Was feeling pretty good about it. Was feeling even better when I walked into his office and looked at me with raised eyebrows and said " Hey you are really losing weight huh?".

We chatted about that and how that was going for a while, and then the time came for the BP check.

210/111

Let me say that again

210/111

First reaction was fear. A kind of deep in the stomach primal fear. I think I tapped into something ancient in my psyche. I imagine that this is what our barely erect fore-fathers felt when they were faced with a true fight or flight scenario. That feeling quickly turned to bewilderment. I mean, I was doing it wasn't I? I was losing the weight, getting the exercise, sticking to the low fat low sodium diet, drinking my water? All the things I was supposed to do to correct the BP. I mean I certainly didn't expect to go from elevated to normal in the space of a month, but goddammit I certainly expected to be moving in that direction, NOT the other way. The doc was equally not impressed, though I think he wasn't as bewildered as I was.

So, where from there? Well, meds, I am on 25 mgs once daily of NOVO-HYDRAZIDE. I won't go into all the possible side affects here, google it if you are interested. However, I did have to leave work early today because I was starting to feel a little disjointed. I'm not tooooo bad right now, obviously, I mean I am typing and making sense, well, as much as I eve have anyway. I do have a long drive home though, so I figured I wouldn't take any risks at all and not be able to drive later.

No gym, sadly, that really hurts more than I thought it would. I'm ready for it, I am actually burning for it, but it's just not a risk I can take. Can you imagine doing a squat or a leg press with a BP of 210/111?? Mt. Etna mean anything to any of you?

No strenuous activity for a while, just walking at a moderate pace. It's not much, but it will have to do the job for now.

I also now have a home BP monitor. I have to take my BP thrice daily and in a week I go back to the docs and we review the numbers. If it isn't down, then there will be yet another medication on top of the current one, the same applies in 2 weeks.

SO, I know I have been asked several times what caused this. The short answer is the ugly one, I am a fat lethargic 38 year old who wasn't taking care of business the way it should have been attended to. I commit ed a crime against my body and my family and I have been sentenced to this. There are some genetics in play, but the long and short of it is that it is 100% my fault. Not going to whine or bemoan it, I AM going to fix it.

As of today there will be another addition to my daily blogs, my BP readings. I take my last one at bedtime, so I will post a short blog each night with the 3 BP readings from that day. This is another tool of accountability, but it will also hopefully show a dropping number and serve as a warning, and a kick in the ass, to the large percentage of the male middle ago population out there who like me, are fat, lethargic and marching blissfully towards a very early grave.

Wake up folks, wake up before you don't wake up anymore....

Monday Mass Day 3

Quickie, on my way to work, be back later with pics to post.

Modest weight loss for this week, well, that's what the scales said anyway. Down about a pound, maybe a pound and a half.

SOoooo...

August 25th Start weight ??? - we figure anywhere from 310-320
Sept 8th - 301 lbs
Sept 15th - 297 lbs
Sept 22nd - 296 lbs - change of -1 lbs, 95 to goal

Sunday stuff

Not much to blog about today, but figured I would make an appearance.

Yesterday was kind of a blahish type day. No, I shouldn't say that, it was a great day actually. Dee had a bridal shower and myself and the two wee fellas spent the afternoon cruising around. It was a blahish type day from a meal persepctive. As I mentioned, Dee had this bridal shower. She ended up bringing home a bunch of leftover sandwichs and cookies and cake. I stayed away from the cookies and cake, but did end up eating around 2 sandwichs. For whatever reason, I thought I would end up well over my caloric intake.... complete opposite actually... which ticks me off even more.

Oh well...

Hey guess what? Tuesday I go to the Doc, and will either be ok with the BP or not, and on meds, either way, this is the week I should be able to start at the gym...

YAY!!!

Other blogs and more bric-brac

You know, I love blogging, One of the things I like about blogging is interacting with the people who not only read MY blog, but actively going out there and finding other blogs that are on the same topic as mine. One thing that has really saddened me, as well as reminding me of my own lapse, it the number of blogs that just end. Usually these blogs have one last entry that talks about slipping, or going off plan, with promises made to get back on track, and then nothing. Some of them have ended a month or so ago, some a year or more. It makes me wonder where these people are now, what their story is, if they are continuing their own personal journeys or if the wheels just fell off all together. I even wrote a couple of them, asking those very questions and sadly, no responses.

If you are one of those people, if by chance you followed the e-mail link back to this blog. I want you to know that all is not lost, you can start up again, a lapse can be just that, a lapse and you CAN get it back on course. If you want, I can help, and you can help me. Obesity and food addiction are serious illnesses, and it can make the effort to overcome them easier if you have a large support group there to prop you up.

Now, in my travels through the WWW looking for weight loss blogs I stumbled upon a blog that frankly made me very very angry, a little sad, a little disgusted, a little perplexed and a bunch of other emotions all at once. I don't have the link to the blog, but I can find it again, if you want it let me know. I don't want to post the link here because I don't want to be a source of more visitors for this blog. The blog is basically just pictures. Pictures of people, mostly women, suffering from Anorexia. Now, the pictures themselves are powerful, in a punch in the stomach kinda way, and really, everyone should look at pictures like these. They serve as a strong visual reminding us of the horrible wasting this terrible affliction can inflect on a body. I want to make one thing absolutely clear. I am NOT disgusted or angry or anything other than sympathetic towards the people who have this affliction. I have a person in my life who suffered from anorexia. They are on the mend thank you very much for asking and I couldn't be prouder of them. No, my chagrin is targeted squarely on the shoulders of the people out there who ENCOURAGE people with this disease to loss ever MORE weight.

Honestly, comments on the pictures of these wasted bodies, bones protruding, skin tight, just haunted looking women, comments saying beautiful, or sexy or amazing and even more stunning, comments saying that they would be perfect with just a little more weight gone, another 5 lbs and they would be perfect, another 10 lbs and they would be a goddess. You ignorant, thoughtless, enabling, PRICKS.... it's like opening a bar tab for an alcoholic and then driving them to the bar, come on people, get a friggin' clue!! Unreal... just unreal...

Makes me sick...

sigh...

Shifting gears. Dee and I watched a great show last night. It was on W channel on Rogers, but is a Channel 4 creation. Channel 4 is the British channel that launched Gordon Ramsey's TV career.... its called Super Size vs. Super Skinny, the basic premise is simple, you take a morbidly obese person, and team them up with a very very skinny person and have them live the others life for a period of time. Diets, exercise, everything. It was pretty interesting and entertaining to watch. What I found most interesting, at least in the episode I watched last night, was that the skinny person had a MUCH harder time adjusting than the Super Sized person. At the end both took some valuable lessons out of the exercise, and I am happy to report that they both are living a healthier life now. Brit shows are always so much better than US shows... but that's a whole other blog for a whole other time.

On the progress front. Dee and Gabe had Mary Browns tonight for supper, for those of you who don't know, that's like KFC, only better. The smell damn near killed me. I am happy to report however that I made it through and I just grilled a couple of chicken breasts for myself. They were awesome as well, though without the yummy coating and oh so delicious grease.... lol...

Hopefully gym next week, really am chomping at the bit now.... bring it on!

Shrink you say? Why yes, don't mind if I do....

Yay!

So, I have like 3 pairs of jeans. One pair was a tad big on me, yes I know, the shock and awe of a pair of jeans to big for my ample girth, who woulda thunk it! Anyhoooo... one pair was a bit big ( stop snickering ) the other two pairs were a tad tight ( again, stop with the snickering ). I got up this morning, grabbed a shower and got dressed, put my jeans on and went about my way. I started having to hitch them up over my derrier in short order. I figured oh well, gonna have to retire the tad too big jeans soon I guess.. I hate saying good bye to old jeans, well, hate it and love it in a way...progress baby yeaaaaah... BUT I then realized that the jeans I was wearing were NOT the tad too big ones, but rather, a pair of the tad too SMALL ones!!

VICTORY!!!

I love that the weight is coming off, one of the more rewarding things about losing weight is the excuse to buy new clothes. Value Village here I come. I had a look through some of my older clothes as well. I kept a bunch of stuff as I expanded, but I got rid of a lot of it as well. I should be ok for the next 50 lbs or so, but after that I have nothing. Actually, now that I think on it, I may be in the market for some new undies pretty soon though... not that the ones I have on shouldn't fit, its just that the waists are stretched and I don't see them contracting anytime soon. Folks, let me just state here what we all know but seldom say, there is NOTHING on this earth that sucks worse than your undies sliding down over your ass while you are walking, I mean, how do you fix them without looking like your scratching your butt???

Just a little overall update. I don't feel this time like the weight is coming off as fast as last time. That might have something to do with my age, it might have something to do with the fact that I shocked my body the first time around, and it's prepared for it this time ( I have a mental picture of all my fat cells digging into foxholes with little helmets on and bayonets at the ready ), it might not be anything, it might be coming off just as fast, I wish I had weighed myself from the start so I would know if I had the HUGE losses in the first couple of weeks I had the first time around ( I dropped 11 lbs in week one first time, it was a shock ). Either way, I just KNOW I HAVE to get back into that gym ASAP. I don't want what happened first time around to happen this time, were I become this sickly skinny thing first at 180 lbs and had to get back up to the hunky pile of man flesh I was prior to just becoming a pile of chunky man flesh. I think if I start lifting sooner rather than later the transition will be more fluid. Last time it was almost like I had to mutate once, and then undergo a secondary mutation later.

Either way, meals are fine, I could actually be walking more, its proving to be a little more difficult to get the walks in this time around, wife, a 5 year old and a 8 month old constricts my time somewhat. I don't begrudge them that, hell no, the best part of my day is going home and seeing Damian flap his arms with glee at seeing me and having Gabe run out and damn near knock my legs out from under me hugging me and saying he missed me. It does make it harder to just get up and go though. Regardless, I am getting enough walking in, I just want to get MORE in is all... perhaps I will have to start getting up an hour earlier and just going...hmmm... bah, who needs sleep anyway!!

Holy long post Batman... bored yet???

The Zone

Cruise control is great ain't it... just a few weeks in and the old habits, by old I mean pre-inflation old, are just kicking in big time. Water, what was the hardest for me to get going last time, is not a problem this time, drinking TONS of it. Meals are falling into place, cravings are under control, appetite is strong but subdued, exercise is getting done. All is going amazingly well and I couldn't be happier.

Well... yes I could be happier...

I COULD be in the friggin' gym. I am chomping at the bit here to get back in there. I find myself curling my grocery bags, or doing lifts with Damian...lol... I really want to get back in there. The clank of steel, the smell or old iron and sweat, the feeling of exhaustion and euphoria at the same time. I miss it, I want it and I think, no, I know, I need it!

I am skirting around the zone now, I can see it, I drift into it, but I can't get fully in there until I get into the gym. Then I will feel like this journey is really and truly underway once again.

Hopefully Monday the Doc will give me the ok to get back in there. If he does I can promise you that I will be in there Tuesday morning and the real work will begin in earnest. I for one, can't wait!

Rewards

Lets face facts for a second shale we? Human beings, as a rule, are selfish creatures who generally want to know whats in it for them. I am no different. One would think that the reward of my improving health, smaller waist, broadening clothing options etc. etc. would be enough. Alas, I am a greedy SOB and dammit I want all that and more!!

I have stated to Dee that as a reward for losing 100 lbs I would get the sleeve tattoo that I have wanted for a long time now. Problem with that is that those things cost big money, and folks, with an oil tank that needs filling, car payments, mortgage, 2 kids yada yada, big money is not something I have.

So, the solution? Well, damned if I know...lol...

I had thought that perhaps I would pay myself 3-4 bucks a pound, but that won't garner much really, also, money pooled seems to become money needed after too long. I could insert google adsense on here and try to make a few extra bucks, but I gotta tell you, the kind of traffic I would need to generate any sort of significant revenue, well, I just ain't gonna get it you know? I hate ads on personal sites anyway, just seems intrusive and really not needed.

I guess I could contact like Miami Ink and ask them if they would foot the bill for an impressive 100 lbs weight loss...lol... but I don't think that would work either.

So, any ideas? Anything, no matter how wacky might actually be the idea that works for me!

That being said and my personal needs being addressed, ;) , a little something on rewards. They work. We all know that its a great feeling to see progress, and it's a wonderful thing to witness, BUT, it can be slow week to week, and the process can become repetitive and tedious after some time. I always like to set some reward at certain targets. It could be as simple as allowing myself a full day of doing nothing but escaping into Warcraft, it could be as extravegant as a tattoo as I mentioned above. Bottom line, it gives me something to look forward to BEYOND the weight loss rewards. It broadens the focus and expands the process so that your whole life dosn't become just another detail in the weight loss program. It's very very easy to become obsessed and lose sight of the fact that your life is still progressing, that other people in your life, while applauding your journey, aren't a passenger on the same train as you.

Focus is important, but so is perspective... and I find little rewards to be a great aid to that end.

Monday Mass Day 2 ( the lite version )

So I have made a decision of sorts, I will be weighing every Monday, BUT, I will be doing pics and measurements every SECOND Monday. The reason behind this thinking is pretty straight forward, I want to see more change between pics. The weight tracking in fine, and it's a good tool to show progress, but I want the pics to mean major steps, or major shifts. It might not be a good idea, I don't know, perhaps weekly will be better, but for now we'll leave it as every two. As with all things, this policy is subject to change and the absolute whim of me...lol...

Now, weight, as indicated earlier in the week I cheated and weighed in. My weight then, on Friday I think it was, was 297, this morning it was also right around 297. Might have been a smidge over or under, but we'll call it 297 to be a nice round easy to work with number.

So, as an added feature of Monday Mass day, I will be charting the progress here...

August 25th Start weight ??? - we figure anywhere from 310-320
Sept 8th - 301 lbs
Sept 15th - 297 lbs - change of -4lbs, 96 to goal

Baby steps baby, it's all about the baby steps.

A quick word about my goal. Yes, I know I want to lose at least 100 lbs. However, that goal weight can and will change as I start in the gym and start adding the muscle mass. When I was at my best prior to the crime against myself and the subsequent 100lb plus weight gain, I was most comfortable at about 195. We'll see what transpires...

Anyhoo... off to get ready for work and a pre-work walk around the pond....

Thanks for your support folks!

Sunday update

What a BEAUTIFUL day with the family, other than a wee meltdown by Gabe when it came time to leave the playground.

I also had my first "free" meal today, though really it wasn't far off plan. We ate at Cora's, they offer about 50 different breakfast item. I had a spinach and cheddar omelet, Dee had a fresh fruit and custard filled crepe. We each shared the other, so really I had about 60-70% of the omelet, and about 30% of the crepe. There were also some very nice oven roasted potatoes on the plate as well. Also had 2 slices of multi grain with the meal. Not sure what the final calorie count was, I'll figure it out approximately on Fitday soon, but as a free meal goes, it's a damn sight better than McDonald's or a pizza...

Here's a couple of pics of the boys... They are amazing the both of them, and when I see pics of them it serves to remind me of WHY I am doing this, I need to be around for them for a long long long time....

Sunday Suuuuuuuuuunday.........

What a BEAUTIFUL Sunday here in Newfoundland!

Just getting ready for another day out with the family. The best part about what I am doing this time around as opposed to the first time is the fact that I get to share it day by day with my family, and folks, that's a very special thing.

Dee has been nothing short of wonderful through this, she still has her treats, as she should but she considerately asks me if its ok to have say, a chocolate bar, with me in the van with her. lol... She's amazing, always checking the labels with me, eating the meals I need to make this work, walking with me, encouraging, complimenting, why, one would almost think she loves me or something..lol...

Gabe still has his moments of almost forcing food on me. I had a chat with him last night about why Daddy can't eat some of the stuff he is offering me, about how Daddy wants to loss weight so he can play better with him and his brother and ride bike with him next summer. I think he is understanding it, though I don't think he really cares about the belly...lol... it's his snuggle pillow after all. He's been great on the walks though, a real trooper!

We are about to leave the house and go for another walk, and it makes me feel very happy. The one unexpected side effect of this whole thing is the way it has brought our little family closer together and the great activities we are now doing as a group. Fantastic...

Switching gears... I am nervous about next Monday, I have to head to the Docs and get my BP taken again. If it remains high it's medication time for me. I am dreading that really. I have been reading a little about BP meds and the tendency they have to make you feel a little dragged out and such. Nervous... lol... gonna drive my BP up stressing about it... sigh...

Update!!!!!

Just a quickie for now, Friday and Saturdays are always a little bit of the ol' madness in the Babstock household lol.

Just finished mowing the lawn and am now doing a little around the house,well, truth be told, Dee is doing a little around the house, I am actually just doing little around the house, its funny the difference one letter can make ain't it? lol

Ok, I cheated, no, not on the food, that's been going very very well thanks for asking, I cheated on the scale. I wasn't supposed to get on it till Monday, but the wee white shining finish and it's matte black foot areas just seduced me, I couldn't resist. Now, the reason I was wanting to hold off on stepping on that seductress is simple. The quickest way to get down about progress is constantly checking the scales. Weight loss is a slow process, if you are doing it right, and daily checks usually show small progress, thus, it could create a " My god I am going NOWHERE, now where's my pizza" type response. Glad to say, I didn't get that, what I DID get was a reading 0f 297, 4 lbs, 5 days... after two weeks of non-charted progress. 4 lbs in 5 days in the third week of what should be a slowing process... yup... I can surely live with that!

On another note, I am going to order me a pair of pants on e-bay today. Size 38, I want to get back to 34's, but 38 is my first milestone target. I want to be in those by X-mas. I will be in those by x-mas. Now that means losing 15 inches from my abdomen by then... a lofty number, but one I am confident I will reach, cause I am that damn good...lol... nahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... just have a feeling I can is all, and a feeling is what I am embracing as fact...

Well, outta here, going shopping with the family, and a walk around the lake... YAY walks!

Ok...

Wow, been a while since I have been able to sit down and just let my fingers do a dance here. Sorry for the couple of short posts, its been a crazy couple of days, starting with a catastrophic computer crash, leading into a catastrophic car meltdown and culminated in a new van and a new computer. lol...

But ,as I indicated yesterday, through it all I have not wavered. I haven't been moving my ass as much as I would have liked, but I haven't let my foods defenses down either, for me, that's a HUGE deal.

Weight is coming off folks, pants are a little looser, not alot, but a little... I can sorta see it in certain parts. It's not drastic, most people aren't even noticing, but it's there and that's a great feeling for me. It's exciting... and going to be a lot more exciting as we move forward.

I still haven't joined the gym :(

I'll tell you why, I am a little afraid to be in there lifting weights with my blood pressure too high. Call me silly, but it seems to me that putting stress and strain on a body who would jet blood 300 feet if I were pinpricked isn't the smartest idea. Next week I will go back to the docs and get the ol' bp taken and one of two things will happen. I have either dropped the BP on my own and it will continue, or it's still high and I go on meds for it. Either scenario sees me in the gym. I just HATE taking pills... HATE HATE HATE it. Not that I have issues with them in physical sense, it just really bugs me, call it a quirk...

New pics and weights and measurements to come on Monday...

Excited yet?

lol

Another quickie

Just another quick update today.

Work is still a pain in the ass, having problems transferring data from a curropted drive. It will be done, its just not going quickly.

Bought a mini-van today lol... yup... I've arrived.

Had a treat of sorts today, but within plan, had a oven roasted chicken breast sub from Subway, no cheese, no mayo... but BBQ sauce yes... it was gooooood.

Promise a longer post later...

Ta for now!

The morning after

Well, the morning after the pics and I am still alive. Very short update for now, been one of those days. Our car has reached the clearing at the end of the path and we are looking for a new set of wheels, then, when I got to the office our computer fried and I had to go buy, setup and swear at a new one. Still here now in fact, waiting for software updates to complete. Then I need to install a slave drive to access files from the fried computer... bah...

Through it all, eating clean, feeling good...

And thanks for the comments Shane and Shaun, it helps so much to have support!

There's eye openers, then there eye SHOCKERS!

Well...

Ahem...

So, we bought a new scale. I was in error, I was not 285 as I thought, but in actuality I must have been around 310-15 or so. I know I have lost weight in the past two weeks, I can tell, Dee can tell.... so I figure 310-15 is a good guess. I don't need to guess anymore though... nope... I am a svelte and trim 301 lbs.... hey, that's not bad, it's only heaver than a new born elephant, or a year old cow, or 3 Andy Dicks...

All joking aside... I'm not floored anymore, I am getting used to the shocks that keep assaulting me in regards to my weight, health and appearance. I am once again struck though by how damn easy it is to fool yourself into thinking you are something you obviously aren't, and trust me, it was VERY VERY easy.

So, 301 lbs ( important to get that 1 lb in there ), only 121 to go, thats 10 lbs a month, 2.5 lbs a week and exactly 365 from today I will be a totally different baby elephant, I mean, MAN... yeah...

I am joking because I know I can and will do this, it will have ups and downs, peaks and valleys, but in the end the changes will be made and the transformation will be dramatic, this I promise you. I can further promise that in 730 days from now I will look even better as my promise to myself to be in better shape at 40 than 20 will come to fruition.

Now, on to the very very ugly... the pics.... please folks.... not for the weak..



Pretty bad huh? I was kinda floored by these pics. Again, at the risk of sounding like a broken record here, I had NO idea that I was this bad. Again, I knew I was bad, but this bad... nahhhh... Well, yes, it IS this bad. It will NEVER EVER be this bad again.

Now that I have these done and posted, I am taking great comfort in knowing that the next ones will be better, and the ones after that, and the ones after that and so on and so on... Time to skin this pelt!

Monday Mass Day

Well, I just saw that a friend of mine was vrey very brave and posted starting pics of herself, it takes a lot of guts to post pics when you aren't in the least bit happy about them. It called bearing yourself to the world and it was a step I frankly was NOT prepared to make, I'm a coward yes I know...

BUT... cowardice be damned, I need to be accountable for the actions I took that made me lapse into this horrible costume I am currently wearing. I call it a costume because this isn't the real me. It might be the me that I was for 90% of my adult life, but that dosen't make it who I am.

So, tonight there will be pics... they won't be pretty, they may be shocking, they may induce mild tremors and other such afflications in the weak hearted amongst you... but they will be here and I will be accountable...

I have also decided that every Monday will be Mass day....

Whats this means is that Monday is the day I will weigh myself and put it out there for all to judge. I will also do updated pics every Monday and those too will be posted for all to judge. I can promise you this, they will never be as scary again as they will be when I start, unless of course I decide to wear a leopard skin thong... no... that won't happen...lol....

So check back later tonight for the big unviel.. it's gonna be... well... big...

Health Update

Well.. I had a return visit to my Doc this morning for a blood pressure check as well as review the results from the blood work I had completed a week or so ago. Bad news first, my blood pressure is still up. This is a cause for concern of course and I will admit I was more than a little disappointed to see that. I actually felt as if I might have made some progress on that front over the past two weeks and in fact when I took my BP myself at Wal-Mart a couple of days ago it had shown a significant drop. Doc informed me that BP is elevated in the morning and a crappy nights sleep might have contributed to it as well, however, if it remains high next visit in two weeks, then blood pressure meds will be likely administered.

Now, I can't say the high BP was a shock, given my weight in conjunction with my family history, it just sucks when you think positive movement is being made and you find out that in actuality, no movement has been made... on that front anyway.

On to the blood work.

I will now admit a HUGE fear of mine prior to getting the blood work results was cancer. No real sane reason for thinking anything might be wrong on that front, but the nugget of doubt was firmly placed in my mind, and like an oyster, it just grew and grew and grew.... happily, no such thing... My overall levels were perfect, iron, red blood cell count etc. etc. with one unsurprising blip. My cholesterol. Its not off the charts, not even in the HIGH risk bracket, but it is elevated. Now that being said. My blood work was taken prior to two weeks of good eating and exercise, so who knows. We have new blood work on the calendar for 3 months time. I am confident that the cholesterol will be in check at that time.

Hmm... there was supposed to be good news with the bad....lol...

Oh, I guess the fact that I am 100% on track, getting my gym membership this week, haven't felt any desire to cheat or lapse at this point is a good news item...lol...

Dee is going out today and picking up a bunch of cooking supplies. I am increasingly disgusted with the amount of sodium I am taking in, all while trying to avoid it. Sodium my friends, is everywhere and in everything, its just plain crazy. For example, I like plain water, but sometimes I like a flavoured water for a change of pace. This morning when I left the Doc's I dropped in the grocery store to pick up my lunch ( grapes, broccoli florets and a friggin Lean Cuisine sodium bomb) I bought a bottle of Aguafina Flavour Splash... guess wat? SODIUM... 170 mgs of the friggin' stuff. So, anyway, we are going to be doing a little cooking, packaging and freezing in order to get the closest to unprocessed as we can and hopefully that will help alleviate the sodium fiasco.

That's about it for now I guess, I hope you guys who are reading this like the new blog layout, I like my banner, everyday its there as a reminder of where I was, where I dropped, and what I screwed up and let slip. I will be changing out the last picture in the banner from time to time as I evolve, so it will be an interesting thing to keep your eyes on.

Hope you all have a good Monday!

Tidbits

My son is a demon spawn.

He was eating Chocolate Chip Pop-Tarts. And he was insisting I have one.

"Come on Daddy," he said, " You know you want one.."

"No thanks Gabe, Dad isn't eating that stuff anymore.."

"But it's full of chocolate, it's goooo-oooooood."

"I bet it is Gabe but daddy had his breakfast."

"But you want it don't you, it's yummy!"

Demon... demon... DEMON... lol... I persevered though, whew....

I DO love Pop-Tarts though... heh

I've missed blogging, as you might be able to tell from the frequency of my posts. I enjoy it, it motivates me and keeps me honest. I also missed just talking, telling a story, weaving a tale and reviewing it way down the road to see how full of shit I was at any given point. Not looking for lies, when I say full of shit I mean how confident I was in one thing or another only to not see it come to fruition. It's why I am being cautious with my goals this time, and a little guarded about my progress. I will get back to where I was and better ( by better I mean better in the cardio department, I am going to be biking this time, mainly because I want to be able to share that with my boys ), but I am not going to obsess and nitpick each and every milestone along the way. I used to do that, and I was also a camera whore. I'll take pics, but I won't be doing it as often and to the frequency I was in the past.

But yeah, back to missing blogging. It's like putting on an old comfortable sweater and being surprised to find it still fits. I slip into blogging mode that easily and with the same amount of comfort. If anything, I have to really watch myself to make sure I take the sweater off from time to time so it dosn't start stinking up the joint or wearing thin you know. Yes yes, I do like me a good anaology from time to time lol. It's also nice to see I have some returning visitors each day, means that some of you are enjoying this enough to come back each day, and thats satisying to me, and rewarding. My hope is as we progress that some of you may feel comfortable enough to take part in the comments section, ask some questions, take me to task on any of the more isiotic things I might say...

Shifting gears...

Was watching X-weighted last night. I generally enjoy the show if for no other reason than to see the looks of joy on peoples faces at the end of the program. However, I am more and more becoming a little miffed with the draconian measures the show takes. It's almost as if they treat these folks not at adults who have made a positive lifestyle change, but as hardened criminals who have pleaded guilty to the crime of obesity and must now pay the price. It obviously works, for the most part, but sometimes the extremes seem, well, a little extreme to me. Hey, god knows that maybe that kind of constant vigilance might have kept the weight off of me, but I am a firm believer, and it worked to at least TAKE the weight off me, that you MUST allow yourself a treat occasionally, and that you MUST make a gradual adjustment to ease in, other wise, lapses can and will happen. Just my opinion...

Said something to Shane today that I think will become my motto...

"I must learn to not only be excited about the journey, but I MUST be every bit as excited about the destination"

Odds and Ends

A couple of quick points before I go to bed.

My calories need to increase. Yes yes, i sound like a broken record, but its 100% true, they do need to get bumped. I also need to increase my protein intake. So, the solution to both problems? Returning to my nightly protein shake. I love those things and I am actually looking very forward to having them again. There was a time I would come home from work and be craving that smoothie, that time has come again. Yay for protein!!

Also, its become clear that I have to start taking a multi-vitamin. I knew that anyway but it was affirmed by what I have been seeing on my Fitday journal. I was looking at some tonight and I think I am just going to go with a typical Mans Multi. Once I start in the gym I will also be back to taking the creatine and glutamine and very likely glucosamine. My shoulder has really been bugging my lately, calcification of the joint was suspected but seems its just age and wear and tear. I have to be careful about that. I also expect to be in the gym sooner than I had originally speculated. I am really feeling that good about where I am now and where I feel I can be in a short time. Amazing...

I wanted to also say how much easier this has been with the support of my wife. When I last did this I had a lot of support from friends and family, but this time it feels different. To have someone to talk to this stuff about every day, to help remind me to make my entries and the encourage me... it makes it so much easier to stay focused and on target.

Well, I think thats about it for now. Thanks for dropping by!

Before pics.... kinda... lol

What a great day! Got up this morning after a wee sleep in, a real treat for us let me tell you. Started in on some dishes, had a little breakfast ( mini-wheats and skim milk ), and went out and mowed the lawn. Now, I know its not much of a mile stone, however, 3 weeks ago when I mowed the lawn I actually had to take a break a couple of times, it was long and the mower was bogging down... same this time, it's been mega raining here and today was actually the first time I got a chance to mow the lawn. Well, not a problem, mowed the whole thing AND racked it and didn't feel like I needed much of a break at all. Little steps people, little steps...


Anyhoo... the reason for this post, beyond the lawn mowing thing, was that Dee took a couple of pics of Gabe and I when we were raking. I look huge, well, the reason being, I AM huge, but I look happy, and I don't look worn out and for now I am ok with that. Thing is it will serve as a decent before pic for now. When you have the mass to lose I do clothed pics can show as much as semi-nekkid ones. I figure come X-mas I'll have enough mass gone to start in on the shirt off pics and start tracking the progress on a finer scale.

Wow, that was painless...lol... kinda

Measurements addition

Just found some of my old blogs from 4 years ago. I thought, and I was right, that I had some measurements in there from what I am now calling my pinnacle, the period of time that I was at my best prior to the fulcrum swinging back to the condition I now find myself in... I don't want to beat myself up over this much more, but just for my own benifit here they are...

First, from March 2002...

Neck- 15.5 '
Chest- 46 '
Waist - 40 '
Left Upper Arm un-flexed - 12 '
Left forearm - 10
Thigh - 23' (both side)
Calf - 16' (both side)

Not bad... this was 7 months into my transformation. Sadly I don't have any measurements from the very start, this was 100 lbs later...

Now, from Feb 2004

Neck- 16 '
Chest- 44.5 '
Waist - 34.5 '
Left Upper Arm un-flexed - 13.5 '
Left Upper Arm flexed - 15.75 '
Right Upper Arm un-flexed - 13'
Left Upper Arm flexed - 15.25'
Left forearm - 11.5
Right forearm - 11.5
Thigh - 22' (both side)
Calf - 16.5 (both side)

I could seriously cry...

I'll be happy to get back to the first lot, be happier when I am closer to the second lot.

Label reading and sodium

Well, after our walk this evening Dee and I went to Wal-Mart to pick up a few things. We ended up just cruising the aisles and reading the labels on a bunch of stuff. At first blush, sodium is EVERYWHERE and in EVERYTHING. In large amounts. In using my FitDay food calculator I was noticing a fair amount of sodium and was wondering where the heck all that crap was coming from, the sort answer is EVERYWHERE. Crazy...

We ended up in the cereal aisle. Now I am a HUGE fan of Vector Cereal. It's marketed as a healthy alternative, a meal replacement even, and supposed to have a ton of wholesome goodness in it... well, you know what else it has, a BUCKETLOAD of sodium! 365 mgs of the stuff to be exact, and thats before you add the milk, which by the way has, you guess it, sodium as well! What was even more surprising to me was when I compared the Vector to a kids cereal. You would expect the kids cereal to have not so much goodness and more calories via sugar. Surprise, not so... the kids cereal had half the calories in the same serving, only 25 mgs and the actual nutritional values were much the same. Crazy, and then, shreaded wheat... top dog by far, more fibre, no sodium and low calories. Needless to say the shreaded wheat was what came home with me!

Lesson to be learned? Read labels, understand that what you may believe about a food and whats in it may be very far removed from the truth.

The holy shit aftermath...

Nada...

After brewing over it and really feeling kinda freaked out, depressed, pissed off and a gambit of other emotions, the wife, the kids and I loaded up and went for a 3.8 klick walk around Quidi Vidi.

Thing is, it's a number, a horrible one, but it'll never be that high again... all it will do is look even better once I take this crap off...

Anyhoo... just a shortie to say that I am not letting that hinder or depress me in the least... time to move on and take it all off..

A holy shit moment...

There's not really much to say... I was riding such a high and now I just want to crawl away and sob...

Starting taking my measurements, was going to do the whole gambit... from neck down to calves and all points in between but I just stopped when I had a few... no point in taking smaller measurements when the bigger ones paint an obvious story... once I lose some inches in the core I'll take them elsewhere...

For now, here's the awful awful truth...

Neck - 17
Chest - 55
Abdomen - 53
Hips - 51

Pictures will be coming at a later date, I've taken as much visual truth as I can for a couple of days.

Little more on calories

Well, as I mentioned I need to increase those calories a tad. I have a plan, and its simple..lol.. eat more. Seriously, I need to take one more meal. The plan now is to have 5-6 smaller meals every 3 hours. Gotta keep the metabolism firing and the body burning. Fat burning is all about heat, and heat in the body is generated by a raging metabolism. My metabolism has been low, comes from infrequent meals and a sedentary lifestyle. That will change but it won't change overnight.

The thing is, and alot of people trying to lose weight for the first time can't accept, is that to lose you must eat. Eating is natural, we are designed to eat and process. Humans are also designed with a failsafe. If the body feels it is starving, it stores food, it holds onto those fat reserves for dear life. From an evolutionary standpoint this makes perfect sense. Our earlier steps on the evolutionary ladder may have had no idea when or where the next meal was coming from, it was a feast or famine mentality and its one that has lasted to our modern times. Thing is, for those of us lucky enough to be in the western world the idea of NOT having access to food at all times is unheard of.

Well, I went a bit off there...lol... I tend to do that and the more you read my blog the more you will see that happen.

Off for an afternoon with my lovely wife now until son number one is done school!

Quickie post on calorie intake

Well, one thing I have learned over the past couple of days is that I really need to increase my caloric intake. Ideally I would like to be up around 2000 calories daily right now, until I start in the gym in any event, at which time I should boost that by 500 or so, protein calories mostly, easily accomplished with a shake!

It's amazing to me how little calories can be eaten in a day and still feel satisfied. So far, just 10 days in, I have zero desire to cheat or anything. My business partner actually left a bag of cookies at the office , the bastard, lol, and I had zero cravings for them despite them being RIGHT there large as life... this is a HUGE step for me.

On last thing, it looks like I will have my pics and measurements up this weekend as well... still not looking forward to the pics... blah...

And finally, I am going to leave you with a pic of my main man Gabe. He started in kindergarten today and I really couldn't be prouder of him... HE is my inspiration, along with his brother and my sweetie...

Later folks!

Oh gross

Ye gads.... I knew I was bad, but man, this is just crazy!!! For shits and grins I decided to log what would be a typical Tuesday for me. Here in Canada Tuesday is known as Twoonie Tuesdays at KFC. I would get two of these, which amounted to 2 legs, 2 wings and 2 servings of fries. I would eat one for lunch and another a little later. Typically in the morning prior to heading into the office I would either finish Gabes Sandwich or have one of my own. On the way into work we would grab coffees at Timmies and more often than not a box of timbits. That night when I got home we would have a late supper, and during the summer a BBQ wouldn't be out of the question. Typically again we would BBQ a pack of wieners first, then steaks. We would have say baked spuds with ranch dressing and a heaping pile of mushrooms, onions and peppers sauteed. Then later than night it wouldn't be a stretch to have a big bag of Doritos with a onion dip. Ice cream is not unheard of as well...

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOLY shit, its just sickening when you lay it all out there like that... sick sick sick... NO MORE... this Fitday program is going to make me SO responsible for what goes into my body... wow... I am floored. Floored that I could eat that in a day and NOT think it would affect me, floored that I had gotten to a state of denial so thorough and complete that it would allow me to function like that... wow... kick in the ass??? Oh hell yeah.... this will NEVER happen again, it can't, I'll die... literally, I will die, intakes like that will kill me as sure as a bullet to the brain will kill me...

Folks, if you eat fastfood, if you eat crap... do yourself a favor and enter a fitday journal for ONE day and see what it gets you... it could be the best thing you have EVER done...

Now I am going to go and shake my head a little more... and bear this shame...

Fitday Journal

Well, just started up my fitday journal. I really liked this tool when I last lost weight and I plan on using it to make it a success this time around as well...

You can view my summary anytime by following this link.

It's also over there on the right in my link section.

Man, I need to actually UP my caloric intake right now... thats actually a surprise as I am not at all hungry...

I'll be filling in more details there as well as I proceed...

Try it out, it works like a charm!

Blah...

Still waiting on those before pics. I am hoping to get a chance to get them done this evening, if not, for sure by the weekend. I do have a rather GROSS picture to share though. This was taken the weekend of our wedding. At a beach in the town next door. Not pretty at all. You know at the time I didn't think I was that big. It was when I started seeing the wedding pictures that I really realized that something was terribly wrong with me. Still though, that wasn't enough to kick me in the ass and snap out of it.

Luckily though, in looking at other pictures taken more recently, for example when Damian came home, I don't THINK I look near as bloated and just soft as I did there. I have to admit, the winter and spring leading up to our wedding was something of a mess for me. My mother passed away in Jan, we actually debated getting married at all that summer as planned, we then decided to have a scaled back version and finally decided to go all out and do what we would have done had Mom not passed. I am not for one moment blaming the way I looked on Mom's passing, that would be a cop-out. I am however not so naive as to think I wasn't doing and EXTREME amount of comfort and stress related eating, once again, falling back on my addiction with full force.

I do feel bad for Dee though, she fell in love with a guy who was in pretty decent shape, active and full of energy, she ended up marrying a bloated version who was in poor shape and lethargic. I apologized to her for letting it get to that point. I really didn't mean for it to happen, I really didn't realize how bad it was... she is an amazing woman to love me equally throughout...

Fighting the addiction

I wanted to talk about food addiction for a moment if I could, and hey, since this is my blog I guess I can!

I am addicted to food. As surely as a person can be addicted to anything I am addicted to food. I know, I am speaking from experience as a person addicted to nicotine. The reaction is exactly the same. Now many people who poo poo about the notion of food addiction, well, bully for you, it must be nice to have that luxury. I appreciate your point of view, I note it, and I know you are entitled to it. I don't share the same views, we'll leave it at that and move on shall we?

The difference, and it's a huge one, is how addictions are treated. The ultimate goal for addictions is total abstinence from the substance, behavior or otherwise to which you are addicted. It can't be that way with food. You HAVE to eat, you have to be exposed to your addiction on a daily basis, you have to be around it, watch other people consume it, watch endless commercials about it... it's everywhere because it MUST be.

Can you imagine the success rate of a alcoholic who was told that you must consume 6 beers a day? Or a smoker who could never have any less than 6 smokes a day? Or a herion addict who must shoot up everyday? Just to live? Just to exist?

Thats the dilemma that a food addict faces...

You have to adjust, wean back, substitute the bad for good, but the chemical reward, the rush of eating, the joy of chewing, the feeling of something sliding into your belly, all the old markers that released all those happy and content feelings, they are there ALL the time. And like any addiction, you get a taste, you get that rush and you want more and more.

It's a real struggle, it's hard to do, it's the hardest thing in the world to reconcile. Also, like any addiction, the possibility of lapse is very real, only more so because of the things I discussed above.

I will do it, because I have to in order to live, I just want people to know that it's not easy, it's a war....

Pictures?

Well.. my buddy Shane, you can see his blog by clicking on the link over yonder, has posted his before pics and stats. Damn him, damn him all to hell....

That means I'm going to have to do it as well, and folks, it ain't gonna be pretty.

For a guy who 4 years ago was like Bill Shatner and got nekkid from the waist up as much as possible you would think this would be easy. Truth is its not. Heck, I'm not even 100% comfortable with my wife seeing me nekkid from the waist up ( waist down isn't an issue lol ). I have to do this though, to motivate and to show my progress. So I will.. can't be any harder than any other aspect of what I am doing.

So, to weigh myself I need to get a set of scales. I have a set... but they are in the mythical land known as THE SHED. In order to get them from there I need to answer three riddles from the ogre under the bridge, slay the evil dragon of D'lathor and journey through the wastelands of Storage... scary. Might be easier to buy new ones lol...

The Facebook group I mentioned is doing pretty good, loads of members, just have to get the conversations going there.

Anyway, point is, there will be pictures and measurements coming very soon... sigh

Well under way...

I feel great... really... it might be a little early to be doing cartwheels or mothballing my current wardrobe but I feel GREAT!!

I was thinking about timing and how interesting it is. The last time I began a weight loss journey it was due to a scare on my birthday, this time, it began with a scare on my birthday. I think someone is trying to tell me something lol...

I don't really have much to say right now, just waiting to get the kiddos to bed and heading out for my nightly walk. I will likely be back a little later with some more. I just wanted to make a statement about how damn good I feel, both with how I am progressing and the relief that I have that the journey is finally finally back underway!!

Rediscovery

One very nice thing I am already rediscovering is the fun and adventure of creating new food. I've had veggie skewers so far, a veggie bake which was amazing. Its fun to come up with new ways of preparing the foods I need to make this adventure a reality. Its nicer this time as well to have someone to share the adventure with.

I have already had one person ask me about the food I am using to start the road. Really its pretty basic, I am using foods as close to the origin product as possible. Basically what that means is a little processing as possible. No white breads, enriched flours, canned foods, frozen dinners, etc. etc. Whole grains, veggies, fresh when possible, frozen where its not, no canned veggies, beef, pork, chicken and fish, lean cuts grilled on the foreman, the charcoal grill or on the stove top with no added oils or such. No salt at all, no butters or margarines, no additives. Water water and water... My only concession is BBQ sauce, VERY sparingly and steak sauce. I will also allow myself one free meal a week. That could be either a whole meal done smartly, ie: home-made pizza or a big honkin' bowl or two of homemade spaghetti, OR, it could mean a BIG honkin' bowl of icecream. You really need to allow yourself a treat. The temptation to cheat is greatly diminished if you know that on a certain day you can address what you are craving. The key, as I mentioned, is to do it smartly...

On another note, I just returned from my first real walk. By real walk I mean one that was just me on the road at my pace. I have been walking with Gabe, or just farting around playing soccer or volleyball with him, but that was at his pace. This was my first real test and it went pretty well, was gone for about 45 mins, should have perhaps been 30. Shamed to say I am WAY out of shape and I was really feeling the return trip. Thats fine, you need to feel it, but with my blood pressure concern I really wanted to be sure I wasn't pushing the envelope too much at this point. A new twist for me. I always used to walk listening to music or nothing at all, but I have discovered the joy of walking with an audio book. Its great! I would tell myself just walk till the end of this chapter, and it was fine. Currently I am listening to the Gunslinger, the first of the Dark Tower series. I have read, re-read and devoured the whole series many times but its very interesting to hear someone else put voices to the characters I have mentally voiced for so long.

Well... that about it for now. I will say, I figure 2-3 months of this cardio, getting the BP down, dropping at least 30 lbs and I will be back in the gym. I plan to go heavy in the gym, looking for muscle mass and power. More on that later.

Way back machine...

Just when I thought all my old stuff was lost...lol...

There's a web service called Way back Machine, google it, its fun and so it seems, useful as well. I was looking for some of my older blogs. I didn't have a thing saved here on the laptop or my other computers and it really is a bit of a shame. However, I found I can access a lot of my older stuff, very nice...

So, where do I want to be? How about where I was in the winter and spring of 2004?








Yes indeed, I would be VERY happy to be that man again, and I will be...

Also of interest, a list I posted back in 2004... I think I'll keep this close at hand...


1- The fat man is dead. He is but a ghost, he may haunt you from time to time, but he cannot affect you in the real world.
2- The only limitations you have are those you put on yourself.
3- Its not about being able to lift the most, its about lifting the best... form.... form... form.... stop looking at what the other guy is lifting, lift for yourself.
4- Its ALL just food.... food is just fuel for the machine. Ask yourself everytime you are tempted, would you pure sugar in your gas tank? The answer will always be NO!
5- a slip is forgivable as long as you pick yourself back up and carry on. Its one hour at a time, which will add up to days, weeks, and months. If you slip its but a drop in the bucket that is the road ahead.
6- LEARN TO TAKE A COMPLIMENT
7- There are people who will help you, there are people who will hinder you... recognize each but realize the only person who can really help or hinder you is YOU
8- Realize if an exercise is hard it means its going to be good for you, its when it becomes easy that you should switch, not before
9- Be, as you have been, the best HUMAN BEING you can be....
10- Be aware of what you have done so far, use it to motivate, not as am excuse to slack off....
11- Know that while you don't know everything, nor do others, don't take things at face value, rather look into them for yourself.
12- Embrace those that might come to you for advice and inspiration. Realize that this will happen ( see point #6 ) and do your best to help any way you can.
13- above all else self.... HAVE FUN, cause life is short, and if it ain't fun, whats the point....

Words to live by...

Steps towards the mentality I need

Well... so far so good. Just finished a very nice supper, steak, veggies skewers of tomatoes, mushrooms, onions and green peppers done on the ol' charcoal grill and baked sweet potatoe... man, I forgot how good GOOD food can be. What was a pivotal moment for me was after the meal was complete, Dee had a nice dish of Ice Cream, and it was my FAVORITE ice cream EVER, and I didn't even feel a twinge of desire for it. I had a cup of coffee and that was it, enough for me. Whoooottt... I am actually very excited to be back on the wagon here.

I know its been only one week, not even really, but I feel incredible... energy levels are up, complexion is cleared right up, blood pressure seems to be coming down. I even had one of the ladies at our store ask me today if I had lost weight. Now I don't for one minute believe I have lost weight to the point where it can be noticed yet, but who knows, maybe I am carrying myself a little differently and that what she saw. Regardless, it felt good and was a nice bit of positive reinforcement for me.

So, I took a step today towards cleansing the mental blocks I had erected. I shaved my goatee away and freshly shaved my head. I love my goatee and it will be back, but I know I was using it as a mask as well, when you have a 5-6 inch goatee on your face it becomes peoples focal point, people see that before they see the cheeks or the jowels. It works as a sheild against reality and it needed to go. My 7 month old wasn't happy about it, he looked a little confused as he groped my face for his normal pull toy, but he got over it. Gabe, my ALMOST 5 year old ( yesh time flies ) asked me if I could stick it back on...lol...

Darlene has been amazing this week. She has been so supportive, she has asked a ton of questions about the foods I need, what would make it easier for me, etc. etc. Also, she has told me how proud she is of me every chance she can get, and that helps so much. She also has been sure to tell me she thought I was pretty sexy anyway lol, but hey, I know that she would rather take a streamlined model of me for a drive over the cube van I am now lol...

Well.. here's a pic of the two big reasons for me doing this, I know many of you know the boys already, but for those of you who don't, and for those of you visiting this blog for the first time, here are my boys.

Oh yeah

I should mention, I will be posting before pics at some point, once I get the nerve up for it lol... also there will be a loss chart, showing actual weight difference as well as measurements. By experience, later on measurements mean so much more than weights....

So far...

Well so far so good, have completely revamped my diet. H2O intake is right up where it was, about 2-3 liters a day, maybe a little more. No simple sugars, no saturated fats, no processed foods. Portions are controlled and meals will be about 4-5 a day now. It's funny, it's almost like riding a bike. You really never forget. Some things have been, not difficult, just a little different. Every Tuesday at the office we would all get twoonie Tuesdays from KFC. This past Tuesday was the first one in a long time I didn't take part in. I didn't miss it mentally, though I have to admit, the smell was certainly tempting.

Exercise has just been via cardio right now. Walking, it was the very best for me last time in aiding the initial kickstart and weight loss. It should be again. Long term the plan is to return to weight training as before. That particular aspect will be a little more difficult for me than last time for several reasons. It's much harder to find the time now with the two kids around lol, also, we live 25 minutes outside the city now and the nearest gym. Lastly, money, there's a little less of it for disposal these days. Though really, just the money I will save on takeout should cancel out that obstacle.

So, the initial steps have been made, the baby steps I often spoke about in the past. It didn't take overnight to get to where I am now, it won't reverse itself overnight either. It will happen though, I have more motivation now then I ever had in the past. In the past I lost the weight through a sense of vanity. I was sick of being lonely and felt that I would have much more success in my personal life if I lost the weight. Ironically I ended up marrying a woman who knew me when I was at my biggest and thought I was sexy then. Funny how life does that isn't it? This time though, its about my health and my ability to be on this earth longterm for my wife and kids. Its about the ability to play with my kids and not get winded or feel uncomfortable in the process, and, yes, still a little bit of vanity lol. I have my soul mate now, and I cannot fathom seeing a future without her in it. However, she is such a beautiful sexy and amazing woman, I want the man on her arm to be a compliment to that, not a distraction. She deserves a man who is in the best shape he can be in and deserves a man who is going to be around for a long long time...

I'm pretty happy to be back blogging, I missed it more than I knew...

Where I am..

You know, I've been thinking a little, well, MORE than a little, of where I am now and what it took to get me here. Truth is, it took very little. There was a sense of comfort in me, where I felt I could have a little more of this, or perhaps a feed of that. Then, before long I noticed my trend of going down a size reversing, I was going up a size and the old hide 'em habits came back. Loose clothing, larger shirts, layers, etc. It all came back...

Then the other symptom emerged. Denial and justification. I actually had convinced myself that the human body has a comfort zone, a weight it wants to be at, and laughingly I had convinced myself that my body wanted to be almost 300 lbs. I believed that, I really did. I started hearing the same excuses coming out of my mouth, the " I don't eat that much" or " I don't eat bad foods", all the old stand-bys, how easily they all fell into place. You have to remember, I spent 31+ years building this reality for me and had only started to discover a new one over the span of 2-3 years. Old habits DO indeed die hard, and sometimes, its easier to embrace excuses than admit a catastrophic failure.

I've know for some time that I HAD to start again, I can't even begin to count the number of times I have told Darlene that I needed to lose weight, the number of times I said to myself that this was it, I had to change... and never. I even went so far as to announce my decision to reform on my Facebook page, with the hope that the public declaration would almost guilt me into following through.... it didn't.

So what was the stumbling block? Shame... I feel a fair bit of it. I was looked up to by a lot of people back in the days I was losing weight and transforming myself. I was ashamed of what I had become, and to acknowledge and initiate a change I had to admit I had failed. In order to do it as I did before, using the resources I found invaluable the last time, the online journal, groups etc. I would first have to admit to these people, and myself, that I had failed. I now admit that freely. Fear? There's a lot of fear, fear of failure, fear of not being able to do it as well and as fast as I did the last time. I set the benchmark pretty high, I lost 130 lbs total and did it in less than 18 months. I looked great, felt incredible, the sky was the limit. I felt I could have inspired so many like me, and for a while I did, and now the fear of failure, of actually not being able to do it, its like a vice on my conviction.

Anyway... there's so much more to say and do, but I'll leave this little bit out there for now and will return later with an outline of my plan from here...

Thanks for reading...

YIkes

Before I turn in for the night, here's a little picture story...

Here's where I was in 2002.... along where I was a little while later....



and.... sigh.... this is where I am now...



Got a ways to go to get back there, but I'll do it, specially with the love and support of my amazing wife Dee... she will be my rock in this...

Here we are again

Well... here I am again, I find myself starting out on a new journey towards...well... health above all, but weight loss is the key. I was a big big boy, I was over 300 lbs in the fall of 2001. I was just over 180 lbs in the fall of 2003.

Now, in the fall of 2008, I find myself at 285 lbs once again. Worse, I find myself with a blood pressure problem and maybe more, still waiting on the results of the blood work for that.

I found that last time a key to my success was a web presence. I really enjoyed having a venue to discuss what I was doing to loss the weight, the triumphs and the disappointments. I am hoping that I can recapture some of that magic here again and use this as a catapult into success once again.

Anyway, just wanted to make a little starting post, I will be back to post a lot more, I think my next post will be an investigation into what caused me to get back to this point again and what I need to do to get it back...

Yeah....

Old time readers, welcome back, new ones, welcome for the first time... I hope you all enjoy the journey!