Where I am..

You know, I've been thinking a little, well, MORE than a little, of where I am now and what it took to get me here. Truth is, it took very little. There was a sense of comfort in me, where I felt I could have a little more of this, or perhaps a feed of that. Then, before long I noticed my trend of going down a size reversing, I was going up a size and the old hide 'em habits came back. Loose clothing, larger shirts, layers, etc. It all came back...

Then the other symptom emerged. Denial and justification. I actually had convinced myself that the human body has a comfort zone, a weight it wants to be at, and laughingly I had convinced myself that my body wanted to be almost 300 lbs. I believed that, I really did. I started hearing the same excuses coming out of my mouth, the " I don't eat that much" or " I don't eat bad foods", all the old stand-bys, how easily they all fell into place. You have to remember, I spent 31+ years building this reality for me and had only started to discover a new one over the span of 2-3 years. Old habits DO indeed die hard, and sometimes, its easier to embrace excuses than admit a catastrophic failure.

I've know for some time that I HAD to start again, I can't even begin to count the number of times I have told Darlene that I needed to lose weight, the number of times I said to myself that this was it, I had to change... and never. I even went so far as to announce my decision to reform on my Facebook page, with the hope that the public declaration would almost guilt me into following through.... it didn't.

So what was the stumbling block? Shame... I feel a fair bit of it. I was looked up to by a lot of people back in the days I was losing weight and transforming myself. I was ashamed of what I had become, and to acknowledge and initiate a change I had to admit I had failed. In order to do it as I did before, using the resources I found invaluable the last time, the online journal, groups etc. I would first have to admit to these people, and myself, that I had failed. I now admit that freely. Fear? There's a lot of fear, fear of failure, fear of not being able to do it as well and as fast as I did the last time. I set the benchmark pretty high, I lost 130 lbs total and did it in less than 18 months. I looked great, felt incredible, the sky was the limit. I felt I could have inspired so many like me, and for a while I did, and now the fear of failure, of actually not being able to do it, its like a vice on my conviction.

Anyway... there's so much more to say and do, but I'll leave this little bit out there for now and will return later with an outline of my plan from here...

Thanks for reading...