There's eye openers, then there eye SHOCKERS!

Well...

Ahem...

So, we bought a new scale. I was in error, I was not 285 as I thought, but in actuality I must have been around 310-15 or so. I know I have lost weight in the past two weeks, I can tell, Dee can tell.... so I figure 310-15 is a good guess. I don't need to guess anymore though... nope... I am a svelte and trim 301 lbs.... hey, that's not bad, it's only heaver than a new born elephant, or a year old cow, or 3 Andy Dicks...

All joking aside... I'm not floored anymore, I am getting used to the shocks that keep assaulting me in regards to my weight, health and appearance. I am once again struck though by how damn easy it is to fool yourself into thinking you are something you obviously aren't, and trust me, it was VERY VERY easy.

So, 301 lbs ( important to get that 1 lb in there ), only 121 to go, thats 10 lbs a month, 2.5 lbs a week and exactly 365 from today I will be a totally different baby elephant, I mean, MAN... yeah...

I am joking because I know I can and will do this, it will have ups and downs, peaks and valleys, but in the end the changes will be made and the transformation will be dramatic, this I promise you. I can further promise that in 730 days from now I will look even better as my promise to myself to be in better shape at 40 than 20 will come to fruition.

Now, on to the very very ugly... the pics.... please folks.... not for the weak..



Pretty bad huh? I was kinda floored by these pics. Again, at the risk of sounding like a broken record here, I had NO idea that I was this bad. Again, I knew I was bad, but this bad... nahhhh... Well, yes, it IS this bad. It will NEVER EVER be this bad again.

Now that I have these done and posted, I am taking great comfort in knowing that the next ones will be better, and the ones after that, and the ones after that and so on and so on... Time to skin this pelt!

Monday Mass Day

Well, I just saw that a friend of mine was vrey very brave and posted starting pics of herself, it takes a lot of guts to post pics when you aren't in the least bit happy about them. It called bearing yourself to the world and it was a step I frankly was NOT prepared to make, I'm a coward yes I know...

BUT... cowardice be damned, I need to be accountable for the actions I took that made me lapse into this horrible costume I am currently wearing. I call it a costume because this isn't the real me. It might be the me that I was for 90% of my adult life, but that dosen't make it who I am.

So, tonight there will be pics... they won't be pretty, they may be shocking, they may induce mild tremors and other such afflications in the weak hearted amongst you... but they will be here and I will be accountable...

I have also decided that every Monday will be Mass day....

Whats this means is that Monday is the day I will weigh myself and put it out there for all to judge. I will also do updated pics every Monday and those too will be posted for all to judge. I can promise you this, they will never be as scary again as they will be when I start, unless of course I decide to wear a leopard skin thong... no... that won't happen...lol....

So check back later tonight for the big unviel.. it's gonna be... well... big...

Oh gross

Ye gads.... I knew I was bad, but man, this is just crazy!!! For shits and grins I decided to log what would be a typical Tuesday for me. Here in Canada Tuesday is known as Twoonie Tuesdays at KFC. I would get two of these, which amounted to 2 legs, 2 wings and 2 servings of fries. I would eat one for lunch and another a little later. Typically in the morning prior to heading into the office I would either finish Gabes Sandwich or have one of my own. On the way into work we would grab coffees at Timmies and more often than not a box of timbits. That night when I got home we would have a late supper, and during the summer a BBQ wouldn't be out of the question. Typically again we would BBQ a pack of wieners first, then steaks. We would have say baked spuds with ranch dressing and a heaping pile of mushrooms, onions and peppers sauteed. Then later than night it wouldn't be a stretch to have a big bag of Doritos with a onion dip. Ice cream is not unheard of as well...

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOLY shit, its just sickening when you lay it all out there like that... sick sick sick... NO MORE... this Fitday program is going to make me SO responsible for what goes into my body... wow... I am floored. Floored that I could eat that in a day and NOT think it would affect me, floored that I had gotten to a state of denial so thorough and complete that it would allow me to function like that... wow... kick in the ass??? Oh hell yeah.... this will NEVER happen again, it can't, I'll die... literally, I will die, intakes like that will kill me as sure as a bullet to the brain will kill me...

Folks, if you eat fastfood, if you eat crap... do yourself a favor and enter a fitday journal for ONE day and see what it gets you... it could be the best thing you have EVER done...

Now I am going to go and shake my head a little more... and bear this shame...

Fitday Journal

Well, just started up my fitday journal. I really liked this tool when I last lost weight and I plan on using it to make it a success this time around as well...

You can view my summary anytime by following this link.

It's also over there on the right in my link section.

Man, I need to actually UP my caloric intake right now... thats actually a surprise as I am not at all hungry...

I'll be filling in more details there as well as I proceed...

Try it out, it works like a charm!

Blah...

Still waiting on those before pics. I am hoping to get a chance to get them done this evening, if not, for sure by the weekend. I do have a rather GROSS picture to share though. This was taken the weekend of our wedding. At a beach in the town next door. Not pretty at all. You know at the time I didn't think I was that big. It was when I started seeing the wedding pictures that I really realized that something was terribly wrong with me. Still though, that wasn't enough to kick me in the ass and snap out of it.

Luckily though, in looking at other pictures taken more recently, for example when Damian came home, I don't THINK I look near as bloated and just soft as I did there. I have to admit, the winter and spring leading up to our wedding was something of a mess for me. My mother passed away in Jan, we actually debated getting married at all that summer as planned, we then decided to have a scaled back version and finally decided to go all out and do what we would have done had Mom not passed. I am not for one moment blaming the way I looked on Mom's passing, that would be a cop-out. I am however not so naive as to think I wasn't doing and EXTREME amount of comfort and stress related eating, once again, falling back on my addiction with full force.

I do feel bad for Dee though, she fell in love with a guy who was in pretty decent shape, active and full of energy, she ended up marrying a bloated version who was in poor shape and lethargic. I apologized to her for letting it get to that point. I really didn't mean for it to happen, I really didn't realize how bad it was... she is an amazing woman to love me equally throughout...

Fighting the addiction

I wanted to talk about food addiction for a moment if I could, and hey, since this is my blog I guess I can!

I am addicted to food. As surely as a person can be addicted to anything I am addicted to food. I know, I am speaking from experience as a person addicted to nicotine. The reaction is exactly the same. Now many people who poo poo about the notion of food addiction, well, bully for you, it must be nice to have that luxury. I appreciate your point of view, I note it, and I know you are entitled to it. I don't share the same views, we'll leave it at that and move on shall we?

The difference, and it's a huge one, is how addictions are treated. The ultimate goal for addictions is total abstinence from the substance, behavior or otherwise to which you are addicted. It can't be that way with food. You HAVE to eat, you have to be exposed to your addiction on a daily basis, you have to be around it, watch other people consume it, watch endless commercials about it... it's everywhere because it MUST be.

Can you imagine the success rate of a alcoholic who was told that you must consume 6 beers a day? Or a smoker who could never have any less than 6 smokes a day? Or a herion addict who must shoot up everyday? Just to live? Just to exist?

Thats the dilemma that a food addict faces...

You have to adjust, wean back, substitute the bad for good, but the chemical reward, the rush of eating, the joy of chewing, the feeling of something sliding into your belly, all the old markers that released all those happy and content feelings, they are there ALL the time. And like any addiction, you get a taste, you get that rush and you want more and more.

It's a real struggle, it's hard to do, it's the hardest thing in the world to reconcile. Also, like any addiction, the possibility of lapse is very real, only more so because of the things I discussed above.

I will do it, because I have to in order to live, I just want people to know that it's not easy, it's a war....

Pictures?

Well.. my buddy Shane, you can see his blog by clicking on the link over yonder, has posted his before pics and stats. Damn him, damn him all to hell....

That means I'm going to have to do it as well, and folks, it ain't gonna be pretty.

For a guy who 4 years ago was like Bill Shatner and got nekkid from the waist up as much as possible you would think this would be easy. Truth is its not. Heck, I'm not even 100% comfortable with my wife seeing me nekkid from the waist up ( waist down isn't an issue lol ). I have to do this though, to motivate and to show my progress. So I will.. can't be any harder than any other aspect of what I am doing.

So, to weigh myself I need to get a set of scales. I have a set... but they are in the mythical land known as THE SHED. In order to get them from there I need to answer three riddles from the ogre under the bridge, slay the evil dragon of D'lathor and journey through the wastelands of Storage... scary. Might be easier to buy new ones lol...

The Facebook group I mentioned is doing pretty good, loads of members, just have to get the conversations going there.

Anyway, point is, there will be pictures and measurements coming very soon... sigh

Well under way...

I feel great... really... it might be a little early to be doing cartwheels or mothballing my current wardrobe but I feel GREAT!!

I was thinking about timing and how interesting it is. The last time I began a weight loss journey it was due to a scare on my birthday, this time, it began with a scare on my birthday. I think someone is trying to tell me something lol...

I don't really have much to say right now, just waiting to get the kiddos to bed and heading out for my nightly walk. I will likely be back a little later with some more. I just wanted to make a statement about how damn good I feel, both with how I am progressing and the relief that I have that the journey is finally finally back underway!!

Rediscovery

One very nice thing I am already rediscovering is the fun and adventure of creating new food. I've had veggie skewers so far, a veggie bake which was amazing. Its fun to come up with new ways of preparing the foods I need to make this adventure a reality. Its nicer this time as well to have someone to share the adventure with.

I have already had one person ask me about the food I am using to start the road. Really its pretty basic, I am using foods as close to the origin product as possible. Basically what that means is a little processing as possible. No white breads, enriched flours, canned foods, frozen dinners, etc. etc. Whole grains, veggies, fresh when possible, frozen where its not, no canned veggies, beef, pork, chicken and fish, lean cuts grilled on the foreman, the charcoal grill or on the stove top with no added oils or such. No salt at all, no butters or margarines, no additives. Water water and water... My only concession is BBQ sauce, VERY sparingly and steak sauce. I will also allow myself one free meal a week. That could be either a whole meal done smartly, ie: home-made pizza or a big honkin' bowl or two of homemade spaghetti, OR, it could mean a BIG honkin' bowl of icecream. You really need to allow yourself a treat. The temptation to cheat is greatly diminished if you know that on a certain day you can address what you are craving. The key, as I mentioned, is to do it smartly...

On another note, I just returned from my first real walk. By real walk I mean one that was just me on the road at my pace. I have been walking with Gabe, or just farting around playing soccer or volleyball with him, but that was at his pace. This was my first real test and it went pretty well, was gone for about 45 mins, should have perhaps been 30. Shamed to say I am WAY out of shape and I was really feeling the return trip. Thats fine, you need to feel it, but with my blood pressure concern I really wanted to be sure I wasn't pushing the envelope too much at this point. A new twist for me. I always used to walk listening to music or nothing at all, but I have discovered the joy of walking with an audio book. Its great! I would tell myself just walk till the end of this chapter, and it was fine. Currently I am listening to the Gunslinger, the first of the Dark Tower series. I have read, re-read and devoured the whole series many times but its very interesting to hear someone else put voices to the characters I have mentally voiced for so long.

Well... that about it for now. I will say, I figure 2-3 months of this cardio, getting the BP down, dropping at least 30 lbs and I will be back in the gym. I plan to go heavy in the gym, looking for muscle mass and power. More on that later.

Way back machine...

Just when I thought all my old stuff was lost...lol...

There's a web service called Way back Machine, google it, its fun and so it seems, useful as well. I was looking for some of my older blogs. I didn't have a thing saved here on the laptop or my other computers and it really is a bit of a shame. However, I found I can access a lot of my older stuff, very nice...

So, where do I want to be? How about where I was in the winter and spring of 2004?








Yes indeed, I would be VERY happy to be that man again, and I will be...

Also of interest, a list I posted back in 2004... I think I'll keep this close at hand...


1- The fat man is dead. He is but a ghost, he may haunt you from time to time, but he cannot affect you in the real world.
2- The only limitations you have are those you put on yourself.
3- Its not about being able to lift the most, its about lifting the best... form.... form... form.... stop looking at what the other guy is lifting, lift for yourself.
4- Its ALL just food.... food is just fuel for the machine. Ask yourself everytime you are tempted, would you pure sugar in your gas tank? The answer will always be NO!
5- a slip is forgivable as long as you pick yourself back up and carry on. Its one hour at a time, which will add up to days, weeks, and months. If you slip its but a drop in the bucket that is the road ahead.
6- LEARN TO TAKE A COMPLIMENT
7- There are people who will help you, there are people who will hinder you... recognize each but realize the only person who can really help or hinder you is YOU
8- Realize if an exercise is hard it means its going to be good for you, its when it becomes easy that you should switch, not before
9- Be, as you have been, the best HUMAN BEING you can be....
10- Be aware of what you have done so far, use it to motivate, not as am excuse to slack off....
11- Know that while you don't know everything, nor do others, don't take things at face value, rather look into them for yourself.
12- Embrace those that might come to you for advice and inspiration. Realize that this will happen ( see point #6 ) and do your best to help any way you can.
13- above all else self.... HAVE FUN, cause life is short, and if it ain't fun, whats the point....

Words to live by...

Steps towards the mentality I need

Well... so far so good. Just finished a very nice supper, steak, veggies skewers of tomatoes, mushrooms, onions and green peppers done on the ol' charcoal grill and baked sweet potatoe... man, I forgot how good GOOD food can be. What was a pivotal moment for me was after the meal was complete, Dee had a nice dish of Ice Cream, and it was my FAVORITE ice cream EVER, and I didn't even feel a twinge of desire for it. I had a cup of coffee and that was it, enough for me. Whoooottt... I am actually very excited to be back on the wagon here.

I know its been only one week, not even really, but I feel incredible... energy levels are up, complexion is cleared right up, blood pressure seems to be coming down. I even had one of the ladies at our store ask me today if I had lost weight. Now I don't for one minute believe I have lost weight to the point where it can be noticed yet, but who knows, maybe I am carrying myself a little differently and that what she saw. Regardless, it felt good and was a nice bit of positive reinforcement for me.

So, I took a step today towards cleansing the mental blocks I had erected. I shaved my goatee away and freshly shaved my head. I love my goatee and it will be back, but I know I was using it as a mask as well, when you have a 5-6 inch goatee on your face it becomes peoples focal point, people see that before they see the cheeks or the jowels. It works as a sheild against reality and it needed to go. My 7 month old wasn't happy about it, he looked a little confused as he groped my face for his normal pull toy, but he got over it. Gabe, my ALMOST 5 year old ( yesh time flies ) asked me if I could stick it back on...lol...

Darlene has been amazing this week. She has been so supportive, she has asked a ton of questions about the foods I need, what would make it easier for me, etc. etc. Also, she has told me how proud she is of me every chance she can get, and that helps so much. She also has been sure to tell me she thought I was pretty sexy anyway lol, but hey, I know that she would rather take a streamlined model of me for a drive over the cube van I am now lol...

Well.. here's a pic of the two big reasons for me doing this, I know many of you know the boys already, but for those of you who don't, and for those of you visiting this blog for the first time, here are my boys.

Oh yeah

I should mention, I will be posting before pics at some point, once I get the nerve up for it lol... also there will be a loss chart, showing actual weight difference as well as measurements. By experience, later on measurements mean so much more than weights....

So far...

Well so far so good, have completely revamped my diet. H2O intake is right up where it was, about 2-3 liters a day, maybe a little more. No simple sugars, no saturated fats, no processed foods. Portions are controlled and meals will be about 4-5 a day now. It's funny, it's almost like riding a bike. You really never forget. Some things have been, not difficult, just a little different. Every Tuesday at the office we would all get twoonie Tuesdays from KFC. This past Tuesday was the first one in a long time I didn't take part in. I didn't miss it mentally, though I have to admit, the smell was certainly tempting.

Exercise has just been via cardio right now. Walking, it was the very best for me last time in aiding the initial kickstart and weight loss. It should be again. Long term the plan is to return to weight training as before. That particular aspect will be a little more difficult for me than last time for several reasons. It's much harder to find the time now with the two kids around lol, also, we live 25 minutes outside the city now and the nearest gym. Lastly, money, there's a little less of it for disposal these days. Though really, just the money I will save on takeout should cancel out that obstacle.

So, the initial steps have been made, the baby steps I often spoke about in the past. It didn't take overnight to get to where I am now, it won't reverse itself overnight either. It will happen though, I have more motivation now then I ever had in the past. In the past I lost the weight through a sense of vanity. I was sick of being lonely and felt that I would have much more success in my personal life if I lost the weight. Ironically I ended up marrying a woman who knew me when I was at my biggest and thought I was sexy then. Funny how life does that isn't it? This time though, its about my health and my ability to be on this earth longterm for my wife and kids. Its about the ability to play with my kids and not get winded or feel uncomfortable in the process, and, yes, still a little bit of vanity lol. I have my soul mate now, and I cannot fathom seeing a future without her in it. However, she is such a beautiful sexy and amazing woman, I want the man on her arm to be a compliment to that, not a distraction. She deserves a man who is in the best shape he can be in and deserves a man who is going to be around for a long long time...

I'm pretty happy to be back blogging, I missed it more than I knew...

Where I am..

You know, I've been thinking a little, well, MORE than a little, of where I am now and what it took to get me here. Truth is, it took very little. There was a sense of comfort in me, where I felt I could have a little more of this, or perhaps a feed of that. Then, before long I noticed my trend of going down a size reversing, I was going up a size and the old hide 'em habits came back. Loose clothing, larger shirts, layers, etc. It all came back...

Then the other symptom emerged. Denial and justification. I actually had convinced myself that the human body has a comfort zone, a weight it wants to be at, and laughingly I had convinced myself that my body wanted to be almost 300 lbs. I believed that, I really did. I started hearing the same excuses coming out of my mouth, the " I don't eat that much" or " I don't eat bad foods", all the old stand-bys, how easily they all fell into place. You have to remember, I spent 31+ years building this reality for me and had only started to discover a new one over the span of 2-3 years. Old habits DO indeed die hard, and sometimes, its easier to embrace excuses than admit a catastrophic failure.

I've know for some time that I HAD to start again, I can't even begin to count the number of times I have told Darlene that I needed to lose weight, the number of times I said to myself that this was it, I had to change... and never. I even went so far as to announce my decision to reform on my Facebook page, with the hope that the public declaration would almost guilt me into following through.... it didn't.

So what was the stumbling block? Shame... I feel a fair bit of it. I was looked up to by a lot of people back in the days I was losing weight and transforming myself. I was ashamed of what I had become, and to acknowledge and initiate a change I had to admit I had failed. In order to do it as I did before, using the resources I found invaluable the last time, the online journal, groups etc. I would first have to admit to these people, and myself, that I had failed. I now admit that freely. Fear? There's a lot of fear, fear of failure, fear of not being able to do it as well and as fast as I did the last time. I set the benchmark pretty high, I lost 130 lbs total and did it in less than 18 months. I looked great, felt incredible, the sky was the limit. I felt I could have inspired so many like me, and for a while I did, and now the fear of failure, of actually not being able to do it, its like a vice on my conviction.

Anyway... there's so much more to say and do, but I'll leave this little bit out there for now and will return later with an outline of my plan from here...

Thanks for reading...

YIkes

Before I turn in for the night, here's a little picture story...

Here's where I was in 2002.... along where I was a little while later....



and.... sigh.... this is where I am now...



Got a ways to go to get back there, but I'll do it, specially with the love and support of my amazing wife Dee... she will be my rock in this...

Here we are again

Well... here I am again, I find myself starting out on a new journey towards...well... health above all, but weight loss is the key. I was a big big boy, I was over 300 lbs in the fall of 2001. I was just over 180 lbs in the fall of 2003.

Now, in the fall of 2008, I find myself at 285 lbs once again. Worse, I find myself with a blood pressure problem and maybe more, still waiting on the results of the blood work for that.

I found that last time a key to my success was a web presence. I really enjoyed having a venue to discuss what I was doing to loss the weight, the triumphs and the disappointments. I am hoping that I can recapture some of that magic here again and use this as a catapult into success once again.

Anyway, just wanted to make a little starting post, I will be back to post a lot more, I think my next post will be an investigation into what caused me to get back to this point again and what I need to do to get it back...

Yeah....

Old time readers, welcome back, new ones, welcome for the first time... I hope you all enjoy the journey!